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Best Place to Hide Sex Toys

What is the Best Place to Hide Sex Toys from the Kids (and What to Say If They Find Them…)

The “Kids find sex toy” trope has been out there for decades, and it’s always good for a few laughs – we’re looking at you Judd Apatow, and all that Hollywood posse – but while it may be funny for a toddler to find a huge dildo in a movie and bang a visitor over the head with it, it’s not so hilarious in real life. There are many reasons why a sex toy stash should remain unseen by any family member who shares the house. You may have been too tired to wash your sex toy before returning it to the bedside table; lubes are delicious and smell good but aren’t meant to for the whole bottle to be drunk; don’t even get us started on anal beads. So what is the best place to hide sex toys from kids, and in the worst case scenario, what to say if they find them?

Kids with sex toys

How to Hide Sex Toys from Your Kids

The best place to hide the sex toys that you, or both of you as a couple, use on a regular basis is in a lockable drawer beside your bed. If your bedside table doesn’t lock, get a large, flat security box from your local hardware store and stick them in there under your bed. You can line the box or drawer first with tissue so that you can be assured of a continually hygienic surface on which to place your sex toys.

When you have the time, wash your sex toys after they have been used. There are some stellar cleaning products available online, they don’t just clean your toys but prolong their user life as well. After they have been cleaned according to the instructions, place them on the tissue-lined surface inside your drawer or box, and allow them to drip dry onto the paper. The sex toys will be perfectly clean, and ready for use next time you want to get down to business.

If you want to run your dildos and butt plugs through the dish washer cycle, don’t. Sex toy materials aren’t made for exposure to prolonged high heats. They should be treated the same as a delicate silk camisole: wash gently in warm water using your cleaning product and leave to air dry. If you rub them dry with a material, the fluff could stick to the surface. Never store or wash a device that still has the batteries inside. Remove all electrical wiring, batteries, metal, etc. before washing and stowing.

The best thing is that your naughty little toy stash will be stowed away safely from prying eyes. You can create a secret gesture between you and your partner with the key that locks the toys away. If you are in a crowded room and you put the key in your mouth, your partner will know exactly what’s on your mind. The main thing is, of course, that the key is with you at all times.

What to Tell the Kids If They Find Your Sex Toys

Let’s quantify things here a little bit first: Has your offspring found your bedside table dildo or have they burrowed under your house and found a sex dungeon full of Superman suits? If your kid has been actively poking around your room without supervision and discovered a packet of condoms or lube, firstly, punish them for being a nosy parker.

When they have gotten out of time-out, explain to them that the condom is a pillow for mice and the lube is medicine. This should be an adequate tale to tell if they are under the age of eight. If they are older, you can spin this as an opportunity to have the talk about safe sex if you like. If not, tell them the stuff they found is for adult activities in the bedroom, and they can stop being such a Paul Pry.

If your kid has found sex toys in your bedroom, the key for any explanation is the word “Toy”. Just saying “It’s mummy’s and daddy’s (or any other parental identifying word) toy”, should be an acceptable statement. We tend to forget as we get older, how imaginative and accepting are the minds of small children. If you told them it was a component Elon Musk had given you to test for his next rocket ship, they would be impressed and move on. 

If you have been so foolish as to leave your porn magazine stash lying around under your mattress, we have one word for you: Online. 

Remember that scenario we briefly touched on at the beginning of this section about if your kids have found some serious kink such as a dungeon or bondage cupboard? The easiest explanation is to say you are filming a scene from Game of Thrones or the Marvel Universe in there. And then go into the bathroom and spank the sh*t out of yourself with your own whip.


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